My Abuser

I never thought I would be looking back at my old life, and being so proud of how far I’ve come. To be honest I was stuck in a hole of depression over someone causing me so much damage.

Not a day went by I blamed myself for every action taken. I tried my hardest to make the person I thought I loved happy. Going above and beyond to see someone smile is what I did all the time.

I thought at the beginning of the relationship it was me, I figured it was because dating has changed so much this is how it should be. Opening up to someone and telling them my secrets was a huge factor in my life. I’ve always struggled with trust issues but never this bad.

I was always one to worry about my appearance from the start, my hair and weight have always played major roles in my life. “Dress to impress” but that slowly changed when my abuser did approve of my style. It started out as little “nit picks” about my hair color and weight.

I dyed my hair the color he wanted constantly. I cut my hair because he liked girls with short hair. I didn’t completely like the change I did to myself but it was what made my “love” happy.

My weight-

I’ve always been cautious about my weight. Eating/non eating watching my calorie intake, etc. until I was a size 3 and not thin enough.

I was slowly manipulated by this person, day by do I did as I was told. It felt like once I was in too deep I couldn’t escape. It wasn’t easy leaving a relationship when you put your all into it. Especially when you knew somewhere in that person was a good loving person. I just figured I had to break the shell.

One night it was late, I was tired, I worked a double and just wanted to go to sleep. Our first major fight broke out and that was the first night I was physically abused.

Little slaps, kicks and grabbing always got to me, but I figured it was best to not say anything.

A few months pass and I am still in this rut. Losing weight/ gaining weight, dying my hair every color in the book, and fights. I figured I was never going to leave this relationship, I was in too deep. My family had an idea of what was happening but I denied it every time. I was determined to know who the person was who was too broken. I quit trying to find my own happiness because I was in search for someone else’s. Fights and cheating happened more than I could imagine, but I ignored the signs and continued to try to love the person I believed I loved.

It is something I hate to admit but, without this kind of experience in my life, I wouldn’t know who I’d be. I went through hell at a young age. Without learning how to defend myself, or have a back bone I’m not sure what kind of person I would be.

From this experience I have a story. I have something that made me into a person I love today. Most days I still think about my old trauma and I catch myself in a “thinking trap” or starring into nothing. It is something I am overcoming each and everyday, but it takes time. Someone who took a toll on my life causing damage.

  • I’m happy
  • I’m healthy
  • Bubbly
  • Finding my worth
  • Confident
  • Strong
  • Brave
  • Passionate
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Fit pregnancy

I was always super nervous about the entire idea of getting pregnant. The weight gain and the cravings, and the mood swings. Before we found out we were expecting our little one, I was a gym junkie. I went to the gym two to three times a day, lost so much weight. I never felt more beautiful and confident. Every waking moment all I could think about was hitting the gym.

The moment we found out I was pregnant I quit working out! I was terrified to over push myself at the gym I would cause damage or harm the baby in some way. I took 2 months off from the gym before I couldn’t take it anymore.

Thank god I found a solution.

Yoga has been my life saver. So many benefits of doing yoga while pregnant.

  • Improves sleep
  • Reduces stress
  • Increases all endurance, flexibility for child labor
    Decreases chances of nausea, headaches

I regained my confidence all over again. I was nervous to see myself go through a change, but I’m loving every moment of it. Each day, I wake up and head out the door to work. When I get home after a long 8 hour shift it’s the first thing I do. I was NEVER one to even think yoga could do what it does. Since I started this I highly recommended this to anyone that was in my shoes.

  • Young and Engaged

    I was one to always depend on myself. I never truly thought I’d meet someone who would change all that. I worked constantly, until I was sick to be exact. Making money was my number one priority. I lived a life only I was comfortable with, I was okay with never letting anyone see who I truly was.

    A few years ago I decided to start dating, to see if it’s something I was actual,y missing out on. I fell heavy for someone who cheated on me, told me I wasn’t good enough constantly. But I stuck around trying to find out who that person was under all the madness. I broke myself trying to love someone who never truly loved me. Before I knew it my world turned upside down. With hiding the fact, I was being abused to everyone I still saw a perfect man in front of me. I did everything in my power to make sure he was constantly happy, cleaning out my bank account, the gifts, losing weight, changing my appearance. I completely changed who I was for someone who never deserved me.

    The day I was fed up with life, and my relationship was the day I met my fiancé. I never truly saw a light at the end of the tunnel. I was terrified to start over with someone new. Especially because I gave my all to someone who never deserved it. For months I tried to push away this man, for my protection. My ex was still around taunting me, and playing games in my life. I gave in and finally excepted I wanted to be with my fiancé, and didn’t care what he thought.

    Since that day, my life changed completely, I went from working two full time jobs, never eating, losing sleep to, caring for someone. I thought my life was over, and never thought I’d make it out of my previous relationship.

    To this day, I will forever believe he saved me. I have been taught so much along the way, caring, loving and accepting it’s ok to be who I am. Someone who truly loves me will accept who I am at the end of the day. I am pushed to my limits only for potential. After months of opening up, and pushing away I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else.

    Pregnancy

    Happy to announce we are having a girl! We are both ecstatic about this news. This is my first pregnancy, and won’t be my last. So many questions I have, but understand I will not learn them without experience. Ive never been so worried about a person before in my life.

    A lot has changed for us in the past few months. Preparing for our little one. The stress to make sure we are making the right decision. Healthy options were the only thing that seemed to ease our minds. We are constant reading and researching if this or that is a good option for the little one and myself.

    It’s been a bumpy road along the way for us. But we are so eager for this journey. We have a lot to accomplish before she arrives. We are taking it one day at a time, but the days are flying by more than we can imagine.

    “ Why are you ok with being different? “

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    – I never thought about myself as different to be honest. I was always ok with being in the shadows for a while. I was ok with being on my own for so long. It’s ok to be different. I found myself and who I am with being different. I rarely ever go out which is considered “weird” for my age. But I’m ok with that. I’d rather work and make money. Working has made me “different” I’m very successful in my career at a young age because I dedicated 5 years of my life to a company.

    It’s not that I’m different but I chose my own path at a young age. .

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    You learn who you are. .

    For a long time I never understood why I couldn’t find what I was good at in life. Until I was alone. I truly found out who I was and what I’m good at, including hobbies. .

    I’m corky, giggly, bubbly, quiet, all at once. I wouldn’t change who I am for anything. I’m a workaholic. I’m stubborn. All of those tiny characteristics of why I’m “different”

    Jessica

    Hello! I’m Jessica!

    One of the many I love, is discovering more about myself. I am definitely different from people my age. But that is never a bad thing. I am excited to begin another new hobby. Some of my interests include,

    • Nature
    • Sports
    • Working
    • Coffee
      Being a social butterfly
      Fashion
      Foods
      Reading
      Healthy living
      Home decor