I never thought I would be looking back at my old life, and being so proud of how far I’ve come. To be honest I was stuck in a hole of depression over someone causing me so much damage.
Not a day went by I blamed myself for every action taken. I tried my hardest to make the person I thought I loved happy. Going above and beyond to see someone smile is what I did all the time.
I thought at the beginning of the relationship it was me, I figured it was because dating has changed so much this is how it should be. Opening up to someone and telling them my secrets was a huge factor in my life. I’ve always struggled with trust issues but never this bad.
I was always one to worry about my appearance from the start, my hair and weight have always played major roles in my life. “Dress to impress” but that slowly changed when my abuser did approve of my style. It started out as little “nit picks” about my hair color and weight.
I dyed my hair the color he wanted constantly. I cut my hair because he liked girls with short hair. I didn’t completely like the change I did to myself but it was what made my “love” happy.
I’ve always been cautious about my weight. Eating/non eating watching my calorie intake, etc. until I was a size 3 and not thin enough.
I was slowly manipulated by this person, day by do I did as I was told. It felt like once I was in too deep I couldn’t escape. It wasn’t easy leaving a relationship when you put your all into it. Especially when you knew somewhere in that person was a good loving person. I just figured I had to break the shell.
One night it was late, I was tired, I worked a double and just wanted to go to sleep. Our first major fight broke out and that was the first night I was physically abused.
Little slaps, kicks and grabbing always got to me, but I figured it was best to not say anything.
A few months pass and I am still in this rut. Losing weight/ gaining weight, dying my hair every color in the book, and fights. I figured I was never going to leave this relationship, I was in too deep. My family had an idea of what was happening but I denied it every time. I was determined to know who the person was who was too broken. I quit trying to find my own happiness because I was in search for someone else’s. Fights and cheating happened more than I could imagine, but I ignored the signs and continued to try to love the person I believed I loved.
It is something I hate to admit but, without this kind of experience in my life, I wouldn’t know who I’d be. I went through hell at a young age. Without learning how to defend myself, or have a back bone I’m not sure what kind of person I would be.
From this experience I have a story. I have something that made me into a person I love today. Most days I still think about my old trauma and I catch myself in a “thinking trap” or starring into nothing. It is something I am overcoming each and everyday, but it takes time. Someone who took a toll on my life causing damage.
- I’m happy
- I’m healthy
- Finding my worth